Blues

I decided the other day that I want to start blogging more frequently. Now, I've done that before, but mostly out of guilt or feeling like I "had to". However, this time is different. I think...

I was sitting back the other day, at 39 years old, and thinking about the moments that I've experienced in this life, both good and bad. My memory is not the best and I was remembering some things I did in my life that I had completely forgotten about. I was also going through a bunch of old pictures and scanning them into the computer. I was remembering some of the silly little things Caleb and Jonah used to say and do, that I had totally forgotten about. I am smart enough to know that I will never be a writer. I will never write my "memoirs" one day, or remember enough to pass on to someone else to write for me. So, I decided that blogging would be a great way for me to have an archive of the little things that go on in my life. I doubt it will be important for anyone else, but it can help me archive some of the details.

On to today:
I am feeling a bit of "the blues" coming on today. We get paid tomorrow, but with an unexpected repair bill for our van ($750), the checks are already spent and we're already trying to figure out how to make the whole month work. One of my biggest frustrations is when I get a check deposited and it is basically gone by the time the first week has passed. One day, I want to get so "under control" of our finances that we can have just a little money left over at the end of the month. We're getting there, but not quite. So, money always determines my attitude and outlook. I'm really working on that with God right now. I want to trust Him completely and not let my daily outlook be determined by the financial worry that I carry.

I've been a little frustrated with Caleb and Jonah lately. They seem to thrive on being "sneaky" and I don't feel like I trust them at all. I want to trust my children and feel like they will, for the most part, do what is right when left alone. I'm worried that I'm not raising them well and they will turn out to be adults with no character/integrity. I just feel a little "at the end of my leash" with their behavior lately.

Caleb seems to be doing well socially, but is still struggling with giving all his effort at school and getting his work turned in. Jonah hates school and has a bad attitude about it every day. But, he seems to be having fun with the kids in the new neighborhood. Rachel loves school and is doing well. Andrew loves school and his teacher (:-P), but comes home tired every day and sleeps until dinner time or so.

My dad's health is a little questionable right now, as he has been getting dizzy and passing out recently. He's going to the doctor today, but I'm a little worried about him. I realize that he is getting older (he's 80) and he won't be around for a lot longer. I'm just facing the prospect of what life would be like without him and I'm not ready for that. Along those lines, I got word that one of my friends, Robert Reagan, was just diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and is facing some possible dire news about his near future. Although I understand that death is not a victor and is just our transition, I don't do well with dealing with grief of loss here. I've never really lost anyone very close to me (other than my grandmother) and I have kind of lived in a fantasy world that no one around me will ever die and I'll never have to experience that kind of grief.

Well, that's all right now. I'll post more later about my job and our new house.