Day 21

The end of a long day. I spent some time in meditation over Matthew 1-2 and Psalm 51 today. I'm following some directed Lenten Bible readings that Austin City Church is following. I'm a couple of weeks behind, so I'm doing 3 readings a day to catch up. A chapter at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm truly feeding on God's word right now. Speaking of, I ended a 2-day fast today. It was good. It is helping me get more and more in to the discipline of fasting. I hope to grow to a point where I could do a 2-day fast every week.

I started my new job working with emotionally troubled kids at a Pflugerville Elementary school today. It breaks my heart to be working with a kid that is the same age as my Caleb and has already experienced so much pain in his life. I pray that I can show him some of Jesus' love for him during my time here.

I also got some further news about the teacher certification process. It looks like I'm somewhat of a "go" with the Region 13 alternative certification program for technology and business teaching. And, those certifications seem to go well with being a coach, too. So, I'm beginning the application process today.

We have small group tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to the fellowship and sharing of the Word. We didn't meet last week during Spring Break. I'm also wanting to set up a meeting with the lead pastor at small group. We are going to acknowledge our intentions to invest our family with The Journey for a season. I already have some dreams brewing about starting a college ministry there.

Heh, Day 19-ish

Well, I've gone without posting for a couple of weeks again. It is so easy to fade from this discipline. I have to confess that I feel an inordinate amount of pressure (solely self-applied) when I write here. I feel like I have to have some deep theological ponderings to share before I can post. A lot of times, I don't get around to posting because my mind seems blank. I am trying to get past this strange obsession and get more into the discipline of this being a journal.

I want to post about life as it happens. Mundane or Majestic. Poetry and Prose. So...

Today was a good day. This is the last day of Spring Break, so I haven't worked (for pay) this last week. However, I did do a lot of work around the house. Trimming trees to moving furniture. I feel like I got a lot accomplished. Tomorrow I have a consulting gig and then on Tuesday, I start another long-term substitute teaching assignment at an Elementary School. I'm still excited about recareering as a teacher and a coach. I am just praying that everything works out in such a way that I can be both teaching and coaching (even in a volunteer position) this fall.

Our Austin Emergent Cohort meeting went well on Saturday, in spite of the rain. I really enjoyed the conversation and I'm beginning to develop a real sense of belonging and community with many of the members of the cohort. It is such a blessing to have people from many different expressions of Christian faith come together for mutual edification.

Today, we went to Journey again. It was a blessing. I'm meeting with the lead pastor this week. I plan to offer our family's commitment to this body for a season. I am so anxious to have a place to serve again. I already have visions for starting a college ministry at the Journey. It's hard for me to sit back and just be a "member". I love to serve in ministry.

Tonight we experienced liturgy with Austin City Church. It was a blessed time and it was good to share in fellowship with the believers there. It was also a blessing to take of the Lord's Supper with dine. It's been a few months since we've shared that together. Afterwards, we attended an Art Gallery opening that they had in their building. The photos were called "Samples of Society" and were great pictures by Hal Samples of the homeless in our culture. They made for a great tapestry and "stained glass" for Austin City Church.

So, I went through a 4-day juice fast during the week before Spring Break and I'm considering another one this week. God continues to minister to me during this Lenten season and hopefully I can share more of scattered thoughts here as I continue to develop this discipline.

Day 4

I enjoyed a one-day fast during this last week for Ash Wednesday. However, I am contemplating engaging in a longer, perhaps 7-day, fast during this next week. I'm a wimp about it though and my flesh is crying out in fear about it. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I need another day to pray about it before I make the decision.

So, today I have been grappling in my mind and spirit with the "vow of poverty". I struggle with the question of whether my life can truly be changed into Christ's likeness if I am content to acquire material things and satisfy the obsessions of my flesh. The American Dream. Is it truly our right, as Christians (or "little Christs") to pursue life liberty and the pursuit of happiness? That doesn't ring true with the life that God lived in the form of Jesus on our planet. As a matter of fact, Jesus voluntarily gave up those rights in order to serve others.

Maybe my life should be more directed to pursuing the life, liberty, and happiness of those around me, instead of my own. Maybe the pursuit of material gain (which is implied in our culture today as another inalienable right) serves only to drag me down and distract me from my true purpose? What is truly "mine" anyway? It all belongs to God. I spend an inordinate amount of time to worldly gain and I spend little to no time in pursuit of pouring out my life and possessions for the good of others. What makes me more of a "little Christ" than any other red-blooded American in the pursuit of a new big-screen TV and a Mercedes?

How does this pursuit of downward moving, rather than upward climbing, look with a family of 6? I don't know. But, I think it looks somewhat different than what I am doing now. I am seeking for God to reveal to me small ways of pouring out of my life to others, yet still be the steward (financially and provisionally) for my family that God desires me to be. Maybe the next few weeks will yield some new treasures of the heart that I can wrestle with and walk away with to change some of my self-centeredness.

I told Dina today that I wanted to dream up ways that our family can begin to make an impact of some sort in our community. I would love to work at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, or even Habitat for Humanity as a family. However, with 2 younguns under the age of 3, those all seem to be difficult prospects. Somehow I pray that the Lord will reveal to me ways around me that I can pursue the downward moving way and lead my family in loving and serving of the people that live in the world all around me that need a taste of God's love lived out in the life of a "little Christ".

Day 3

In the quest for a deeper knowledge of the mystery of God, this quote has been helpful to me:

"Many people flock to places and persons who promise intensive experiences of togetherness, cathartic emotions of exhilaration and sweetness, and liberating sensations of rapture and ecstasy. In our desperate need for fulfillment and our restless search for the experience of divine intimacy, we are all too prone to construct our own spiritual events. In our impatient culture, it has indeed become extremely difficult to see much salvation in waiting." - Reaching Out, by Henri Nouwen

I'll confess that I've been a little disappointed so far. Three days into my quest for Christian Mysticism and contemplation, and I'd hoped to have had some "mystical experiences" with God already. Heh. Life continues and my heart is still fancied by the distractions of the world around me. Sure, there have been moments of sweetness so far. But, the mundane has seemed to occupy much more of my time than I had hoped. It is so difficult to find quiet moments to indulge in the goodness of God. And if there is a quiet moment, it never seems long enough to truly dive in deep.

Scattered thoughts and experiences have defined my quest so far. I know that there are many depths and "unknowings" to be experienced yet. However, Nouwen's quote gives me hope that although the road my seem bleak, the waiting produces something in me that longs for more of God. Instead of formulating some fragmented and formulaic spiritual experience, I am finding Him more in the threads of my day. From short prayers uttered in the hallways at school to dedicated meditation during my fasting, I have become at one with His spirit.

I partook of His body and blood this morning to break my fast. It was a sweet moment in the hours around dawn before the house got noisy. I was taken by listening to John Michael Talbot's singing of The Magnificat in "Holy Is His Name". It was a sweet moment of exaltation of God and contemplating the mystery of His choosing a broken and weak humanity to display His greatest work.

We had a great meeting tonight for the Austin Emergent Cohort. Lots of good dialogue and sharing. We had 3 new members show up and share their background and story. It was great to feel connected to other believers from differing traditions as we all weave together in the great narrative of God's kingdom.

Day 2 thoughts

Here I am on the second day of Lent. I chose to fast today, as I forgot to fast yesterday (a traditional fasting day for Lent). I spent my lunch reading a little bit of McLaren and enjoying the beautiful weather. I spent some time contemplating the Bibilical narrative and how we can either continue the story or break from it.

When I got home, I spent about 30 minutes listening to some music and laying in the hammock. I was thinking a lot about the loss of poetry in our society and how much we live in a prose-centric world. We'd much rather write scientific textbooks about horticulture rather than actually smell the wonder of the flowers that God has surrounded us with. How much of the beauty of God's creation do we read about or watch on TV and never actually experience? I want to come into closer relationship with my senses and begin to experience more of God in all aspects of the world around me.

I also spent some time contemplating the Lord's Supper and the doctrine of transubstantiation. This is a, traditionally Catholic, doctrine that claims that once the bread and the wine are blessed, they actually become the real blood and flesh of Christ. In thinking about some of this, I began thinking about how radical a message that Jesus gave when He said, "eat of me" and "drink of me". There is so much more to the taking of communion than we realize. I plan to break my fast tomorrow morning with some intimate time with the Lord and communion. Lord, help me to meet you in a deeper way tomorrow as I take in the first food to my body. I want to know what it truly means that Your flesh is "real food" and your blood is "real drink" - John 6:54-56.

Ash Wednesday

So, today is March 1st and Ash Wednesday. It is the start of the Lenten season. I want to take this season to explore deeper inot the mystical and contemplative side of my spirituality. I'll be reading regularly from Henri Nouwen and listening to a lot of John Michael Talbot! :P

I want to take these next 40 days to explore the wisdom of God in all of its mysteriousness and glory. From the ashes of repentance to the glorious rebirth that is represented by Easter. I want to dig deep and find the healer of my soul. I want to fall deeper in love with the keeper of my days. His faithfulness is beyond my understanding or recognition. His goodness is great beyond compare. My daily dependence upon His mercies and His provision goes mostly unnoticed in my own shallow heart. I long to dive deep and explore the rich depths that He offers. I want to come face to face with the fear that those depths inspire. The mystery and the majesty. I want to be surrounded and filled. And then to walk out of this 40 days changed. As Winter grapples with Spring during this season, I, like Jacob, want to wrestle with God and walk away with a limp.

In a house with 4 young children, it is hard to find focused time, but I am determined to push through in these next few weeks. I will pursue the disciplines and seek the face of Yahweh. I will find the perspective on my own fragile existence through tasting a little bit of the mystery of the divine.

Lord, I seek you. Take me to places that I've never dreamed in the depths of Your essence.